the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
