I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
