My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
