sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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