I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
