what day is it and did you see me today?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
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So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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