I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
