I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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