i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
