I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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