Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
