the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
