Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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