I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
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