so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
