I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
