i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
