i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
