I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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