And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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