Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
