Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I accidentally burped into my bong.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
a search helicopter?!
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
