Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
