I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
