did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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