I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
