I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
