Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
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mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
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Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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