Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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