so let's talk penis.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
