All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I'm like, not good at living.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
