just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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