wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Jerry, you need to find god
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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