Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
