Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
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