I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
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