There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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