The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
