The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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