3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
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