my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
