Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Randomize
