I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
