I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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