I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
