My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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