So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
i think i scared a bird with my dick
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
