I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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