my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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