we're chasing vodka with high fives
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
