eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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