Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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