it hurts more in the daytime
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
