God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
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Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
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Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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