Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
