a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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