thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Randomize
