I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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