took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Randomize
