What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
