I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
These 25 Women First Experienced Sexual Harassment At A Shocking Age
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Be still, my beating vagina.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
23 Absolutely Despicable Things That People Have Actually Done
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.